I reactivated my OkCupid profile.
You’re welcome/I’m not sorry.
You’re welcome/I’m not sorry.
You might remember our friend Josh. Josh sent a lovely generic message to me telling me all about his love for electronic dance music, photography, and the acronym lol. Twice. Well, our good ol’ Josh is at it again.
I wonder if he thought sending the same generic, typo-ridden message to me for a third time would change the outcome. Well, friend, wonder no more. My answer:
I didn’t even bother to blur out his username this time because he clearly deserves to be publicly shamed.
Guys. Friends don’t let friends send generic messages.
I missed my opportunity for love. turbodog469, I’m pretty sure you were the one.
Guys. I know it’s been awhile since I posted about how terrible online dating is. Here’s a reminder. My second favorite part is that OKCupid lets you know when you last messaged a person. My FAVORITE part is that he kept all of his typos from the original message.
SO MUCH FAIL.
I got ballsy and decided to try my hand at writing for real. Sadly, my first rejection came at the hand of my Open Letter for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Here it is in all its pathetic glory.
Dear Males of OKCupid,
You quite literally take my breath away. I find myself gasping for air whenever I see a new message in my inbox. I honestly judge the quality of my day by the number in that small pink box next to the word Inbox. I really do! And I have all of you to thank for that! I never knew what true love was until I signed up for free online dating. For that, I am truly grateful.
To the gentleman who told me that I looked like the cutest space alien he has ever seen, god bless you and your enormous heart. Without you, I would never have known that my appeal to the opposite gender was for my extraterrestrial qualities and charms. I never knew that was such a lucrative market! I will begin, ad nauseum, discussing my in-depth knowledge of space travel and the other worldly presence on this planet in my profile.
To the kind sir who sent me a picture of handcuffs and told me they would look great on me, thank you! Thank you 1000 times, thank you! How did you know that the pink fuzzy variety were best suited to my vivacious and lively personality? I also thank you for sending me an affordable pair costing only $9.99. I am on a budget, after all, and I just can’t afford the fancy toys that the kids are all about these days.
To the man who is “Seeing Someone” and lives 1000+ miles away, thank you for telling me how you feel about my appearance! I can only assume that your message is of purely innocent intent and that you’re not trying to find, as the great scholar Ludacris calls it, “hoes in different area codes.” I definitely gleaned from your message that we would connect on an intellectual and spiritual level. It’s like you really get me!
To the nice guys out there who just want to be understood, I hear you! Please tell me, in long form, about how nice you are and how tired you are of “bitches” out there neglecting your advances due to your purely nice guy demeanor. Do not worry: women everywhere will never mistake your rant about nice guys finishing last and the women who reject you for a general disdain for women. We get it! And we’re always, ALWAYS looking for a guy who talks about being put in the friend zone. We won’t put you there, guy, and we sympathize with messages that discuss how you are always unjustly trapped in that most unfortunate of zones.
To the man who thinks, “sup?” is the best way to word an introductory message to a stranger on the internet, have heart! I am here to tell you that this message always necessitates a response, and that the women of the world applaud your brevity and your desire to know exactly what is up in their world. Womenfolk love to talk, after all, and we don’t want to be bored with what you find interesting in our profile. Thank you for understanding that!
And to the scoundrels out there who send messages based on shared interests, shame on you! Do you really think I spent my precious time writing a profile that I felt truly describes who I am as a person, what I love to do, and how I spend my time just so you can message me about some common interest that strikes your fancy? For shame! I am looking only for messages that describe my physical appearance and what you would do to me if you got me alone. From my experience, true love is based solely on physical attraction and nothing more, and I take great comfort in the fact that the majority of the online dating community agrees.
To all of you men out there looking for love in the online dating world, I encourage you to be strong. Somewhere out there is a woman who will overlook your poorly written ode to that cleavage you just want to stick your face in and see you for the true gem you really are. Keep sending these messages, friends, and you will certainly find yourself a sweet little honey dip to call your own.
Okay. I don’t want to be too hard on this guy.
I think he saw “technical writer” and decided asking me about operating systems was his best in? I don’t know. I thought about giving him an honest and nerdy answer, but I got bored after “Honestly, it depends on what you’re doing on the OS.” So I just didn’t message him back. I didn’t think he deserved the full-extent of my sarcastic wrath.
BARF. Part of me just wanted to start boo-ing him. AGGRESSIVELY. A minimum of say, 10 messages rapid fire all with “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” in the body. I went with a slightly nicer response.
I high fived myself for that one.
Well, at least he picked up on the sarcasm. Proud of him!
I wasn’t feeling particularly creative with my response, so this is all that happened. Hopefully he realizes after this that he will get nothing but sarcastic responses from me.
Generic messages + living 2 hours from me + BEING 41 = sarcastic response 100% of the time.
Dear friends who are trying their luck on OKCupid,
I have really sad news for you. As far as free online dating websites go, OKCupid is as good as it gets. They have their matching algorithms figured out (or so it seems) and they at least only match you with people that meet your minimum specifications.
I recently tried the Let’s Date app just for fun. Thank the fictional lawd in heaven that I’m not actually trying to meet a dude from this. For some reason, even though I keep saying I’m not interested in dudes who are under 27, have no concern for politics, and are very devout religiously, THAT IS ALL THIS APP SHOWS ME. It makes me want to curb stomp a panda bear. YEAH, I SAID IT.
Seriously, look at this human. LOOK AT HIM:
First, 19. NINE-FUCKING-TEEN. Do you think I’m trying to be someone’s sugar mama right now? NO. I’m a fucking writer, so I’m not exactly making the big bucks. Also, wrong city, hose hounds. That job description? WUT. I don’t even know what to say about that quote. I just… just… words. They escape me.
So, if you want my recommendation for a dating app to NEVER USE EVER, it’s this: Let’s Date. Never use it unless you’re ready to adopt 3-7 cats and accept that you’ll never be able to find a decent, non-creepy fella to call your own.
I hate generic messages. HATE ‘EM. This is how I see it: I took the time to write what I think is a fairly interesting profile. If you can’t come up with something a little bit more interesting than “hey how’s it going?” then sorry, but you’re probably not worth my time. Maybe try not sending the same overly-flattering message to every girl you’d stick it to (Stickwellllll)?
If I message someone, it’s because a) they caught my eye, b) I read their profile, and c) I found something (or things) interesting about them. Then what do I do? Write a meaningful message asking them about that something (or things) I find interesting. Send meaningful messages and you’re more likely to get a meaningful message in return.
Instead of this:
Buckle up, ladies and gents: ‘cause this is going to be a rough. fucking. ride. I was at an awesome festival yesterday called the Love Beer Fundraiser. There were tons of local brewers, beers to try, and a smorgasbord of bearded eye candy to admire. I’m pretty sure it was heaven.
Among these bearded men, I noticed a fella who looked particularly familiar. I was almost positive it had to be an OKCupid interaction, but I wasn’t sure. After 3 hours spent acquiring liquid courage, I stopped him with an innocent, “Hey, you look familiar. Have I met you before?” After rattling through a list of ways we might know each other, he said, “OKCupid?”
Our conversation started out just fine, but I was bored within about 2 minutes. He launched into a rant about how people who deny that they’re on OKCupid are liars because “literally everyone is on OKCupid.” I said, “yeah, I guess a lot of people are on there.”
I learned at this moment that I inadvertently boarded the crazy train and that it already left the station.
Naturally, I change the subject. I ask him how he heard about the festival, what brought him, and other nice small talky things. He asked how I heard about it and I said “oh, I actually got a ticket through the Yelp Elite program.”
"I hate Yelp. It’s full of idiots who just rant about businesses and don’t write good reviews."
Full steam ahead! This train stops for no one, friend.
He goes on to rant for awhile longer and admits that he has 15 Yelp accounts so that HE can write flaming/bad reviews of other companies. During this rant, I pull Courtney and Jack (two other Yelp Elites that are there) into the conversation to help me defend Yelp to this avid Yelp hater. We all tried to defend Yelp for awhile until I ended up (like a jerk) leaving Jack alone to deal with Angry Pants McGee. I watched from a few stations over until I saw my in to go rescue Jack (what a trooper).
We left the beer festival and I figured I would never see this dude again.
Until lunch today.
As I was waiting for my delicious tacos from The Vegan Nom, who should appear, dripping in sweat in the same shirt he was wearing yesterday but Angry Pants McGee!
I just. No words. I practiced the “if I don’t move, he can’t see me” defense. Luckily, if he did see me, his foot was still buried so far in his mouth that he was incapable of speech.
So back on OKCupid, I find him!
He showed up in my Quickmatch section because he rated me highly a few days ago. I remember looking at his profile and thinking he seemed vaguely interesting and considered messaging him. Bullet. Dodged.
First thing I notice on my reread is this:
Bull. Shit. He was getting pretty heated/upset while he was ranting about everything I brought up.
Suaveness? ahahaha. Ahahahahah. AHAHAHAHAH.
If I hadn’t met him and I read this comment about tattoos, I wouldn’t have a completely adverse reaction. But after meeting him, it feels skeevy and gross.
Online dating is the worst. This confirms it.
Now, I’m all for telling someone how you feel, but leading off with “I love you” is never a good way to get someone to respond to you on a dating website.
I mean, not a serious response:
Face, Meet Palm.
Also, if you’re a grown ass man, don’t type lol. Just don’t.