Goodbye, old friend.

I have a two-part confession to make that’s hopefully not that shocking: I’m quite happy dating a great dude who I’m still not entirely convinced is real. The second part: I’m not a complete monster. Yeah: it was hard for me to admit, too. So, what does that mean for this blog?

An OkCupid hiatus. I have absolutely no intention of meeting any of the normal men who have been messaging me and it kind of makes me feel like a dick for keeping my profile alive just for trolling. The only conclusion? Hitting that ol’ Disable button.

Obviously I can’t say goodbye to OkCupid without a little nod to the phenomenal humans that sent me so much greatness over the last year-ish. And because I love music, here’s some recommended listening while we relive their incredible messages together.


To the guy who mastered the complisult:image

I mean, REALLY mastered it:image
Why did he get rid of so many As in his second message? THIS WILL BOTHER ME UNTIL THE END OF TIME.


To the guy who just got to the point:image
I like to think that ‘Lol’ is some collective of people that thinks he might be in love.


To all the religious men out there:image
I’m just assuming he thinks the good lord is dreamy here. Am I wrong?


To the guy who didn’t get that I was trolling him with a fairly popular internet meme:image
BRO, PLEASE.


To the guy who just wanted me to know his name:image
HI I’M VALERIE.


To the guy who puts friendship first:image
Nope.


And, of course, to this kinda man who created this fake profile and sent me the best message I’ve ever received:image


To all of you creepers just being you, thank you. You’ve made this blog what it is, and it’s certainly been a good run. I can only hope that you keep doing what you’re doing so that some lucky lady can receive your love.

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Goodbye, old friend.

Charts!

There have, sadly, been a lack of blog-worthy messages in my inbox lately, so I haven’t had much to blog about. I promise you, however, that it is not from a lack of effort. My profile is pretty much PERFECT for trolls. Or, maybe not, as the evidence proves…

As a result, I made a bold move: I changed my relationship status to see if that could bring a new bout of creepiness.

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The spoiler here is that I am, in fact, seeing someone (and he’s awesome and knows about my profile/blog). The hope in changing my status is that I get a new level of creepy. Because, really, what kind of person tries to start shit with someone off the market other than the creepiest of creeper? That’s my rationale, anyway.

But the real point of this all is SXSW; my friend Brian told me that he saw one of the dudes behind OKCupid at SXSWi and he dropped the bomb that only 3% of people read someone’s profile before messaging them. 3%! I mean, I kind of expected an abysmal number like that, but 3%!? Damn. OKCupid is pretty much Tinder but with more wasted time.

So I got to thinking about the messages I’ve received over the last few months. I like numbers, too, so I broke it down: I looked back at the last 100 messages I’ve received and then used my minimal Adobe Illustrator skills to make a pie chart. Charts are fun, guys!

A quick breakdown of the categories:

Generic messages: Things like “hi” or “I liked your profile” or some other mass message.
People who commented on photos: People who at least commented on something specific in my photos or on a caption in one. I guess that’s a step up?
People who read my profile: They made specific reference to at least one thing I wrote about. 

So, without further comment, A PIE CHART:

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I can’t tell if it’s a sign that I’m awesome or that Austin is awesome that the number of people who read my profile is higher than the average. We’ll just call it a little bit of both.

Never trust a big butte and a smile

I’m pretty sure this dude’s first message needs no introduction.

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What a gem of a human this man is right here. That right there, friends, is poetry just flowin’ from his fingertips right out of the gate.

Now, punctuation is always helpful in these situations. Is the reason that he’s excited to wake up every day the opportunity to get to know “buttieful” women like me? Or is he only meeting “buttieful” women in his dreams, and I’m the one that makes him want to wake up? I don’t know! And, if it’s the latter case, it kind of sounds like he’s doing online dating wrong.

I could talk about a lot of the things that make me want to mock this message, but the number one thing is obviously going to be his spelling off the word beautiful.

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I’ve never been more excited to see someone’s reaction to my troll response than to this one right here. And, to be honest, I spent way too long trying to decide between calling a butte a mini mesa or actually stating the definition. (I am pleased with my decision.)

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Oh right. My boobes. That’s obviously where he was going with that, so I think it’s fair of him to call me the stupid one in our interaction.

You’re a true gentleman, guy, and I hope that you meet a very special and very buttieful woman to call your own little honey dip. And I also hope she has big “boobes” like me.

Balls aren’t cute, guys.

On a relative scale, this is probably one of the better messages I’ve received on OKCupid, if only a little misguided.

I had a lot of directions I could have taken in responding to this guy. First, it’s Kaylee, not Kylee. Second, if you’re “kinda a published author also,” why not capitalize your sentences and use apostrophes? (At this point, my profile said I was technically published because of this short story. Counts, right?)

I obviously chose to respond to the silliest thing in this message.

I wasn’t intending that message to have the mic drop effect (wait, yes I was), but while we’re here…

If at first you don’t succeed…

…try, try again. Just keep on tryin’. And then, if your first four attempts don’t work, give it all you’ve got in message number five.

Our perfect model of persistence in this example is Kevin. (I picked up on his name because of one of his usernames. He’s very clever.) From what I gather, Kevin plays the drums, has a ponytail, and just generally looks like he’s the worst.

I bet you would text me, guy. I bet. you. would.

Let’s just move right along to message number two. I see he ditched the incredibly confusing emoticon. Good for him!

Annnnnd the third.

Persistence. Consistency. Clear love of his initials and tacos? WINNER.

I decided to respond to message number four, so I suppose there is something in continuing to send the same message FOUR times.

Well, I thought that was the end of Kevin B. and his taco love. I thought maybe my initial snark was enough to get him to never message me again. Well, here’s the lesson I learned tonight, friends: persistence is generally practiced only by the creepiest of dudes.

Well that escalated quickly.

Sadly, Kevin’s latest profile was already deleted by the time I got around to responding to the message. I was pretty excited about asking him the same question that he asked me (thanks for that idea, James!), but I guess I’ll just have to wait until Rockin’ Taco-lover Kevin creates a new profile and sends me another message. 

Because I mean, why stop at 5 messages when you could send 20? Especially when he just wants a shot of this honey.

Hello Face, I know it’s been awhile, but it’s me, Palm. Good to see you again.

Let’s talk about one way of workin’ it in an introductory OKCupid message: bein’ bold. as. fuck. Shoot for the moon, dudes! Put your heart out there! Just get AFTER it, yo. Know what I’m saying?

A word of caution: use punctuation. It’s pretty helpful in most cases, particularly when you use it correctly. It is, guys! When you’re messaging a professional writer, the best way to not look like an ass hat is to use correct grammar and punctuation. You can trust me because I am, in fact, a professional writer (OF THE NERDIEST VARIETY).

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Why hello, confusing lack of punctuation! I’m a snarky technical writer; would you like me to respond? COOL.

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I can’t decide if it was a good move for him to try to fix his mistakes because he missed so many others. The most obvious, of course, was using ‘lol’ to end his sentence. You’re over 30, dude. Just laugh out loud. Don’t lol it. Don’t.

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WUT? I was broken.

I’m so interesting!

Guys.

A dude on OKCupid has finally taken note of how I’ve painstakingly crafted my profile to attract the creepiest dudes/trolls ever. 

JACK TO THE MOTHA LOVIN’ POT.

Let’s see how this bad guy is gettin’ down with his self-summary. Surely he has also crafted a profile that will attract just the level of lady he’s looking for. SURELY.


First impression: hottie with a body that is, quite frankly, like nothing I’ve ever seen before. That symmetrical face, those perfectly rounded shoulders, that bright complexion? I better call Heaven, because they are clearly missing an angel. I must learn more about this perfect specimen.


Cologne? PREACH.

Still trying to decide if I’m going to troll this guy. Probably.

Why I’m Single

When I recently turned 29, I had a coworker tell me that I was going to need to lower my standards soon if I wanted to find a man because, as I get older, it’s going to be harder for me to find a guy with whom to settle down. This was obviously offensive on so many levels, but the most offensive to me personally was the assertion that I can’t be happy right now exactly the way I am: single. I did some self-assessment to think about why I’m single right now, and, what I realized, is that the reason I’m single right now is that I’m so fucking happy being single. So, for the internet: the reasons why I’m single.

  1. I am selfish. I love my life. I love it a lot exactly the way it is. I love my friends, my hobbies, my job: I just love everything about how I choose to spend my time. Thinking about sharing that decision to choose how I spend my time with another human? Well, I’m just not ready for that. Often times when I enter a new relationship, I find myself resenting the other person for compromising potential friend/awesome time.
  2. I am happy. I am unbelievably happy with this selfish life of friend-time and awesomeness. I have a group of people I care about and love spending time with, and again, sharing my decisions about how I spend that time with another human is strange to me.
  3. I am not lonely. I have good friends that I can turn to for whatever I need. I have two people who I proudly claim as my hetero life mates that I love more than words, and I know love me back just as much. They are two people who live in this city that I know I can tell anything, ask anything of, and they will give me what I need, no matter what. And I would do the same for them, no questions asked. One of them even drunkenly asked me if it was weird that he wanted to be buried next to me. (I told him yes, it was, and to be fair… he didn’t remember asking.) 
  4. I love being single. I didn’t really date in college; I was in a relationship that at one point I thought might end in marriage. When he bought a new car, he asked, “can’t you see our babies in the backseat?” And I honestly couldn’t. This man that I had been with for almost 3 years that I was certain was the one freaked me out with the prospect that that was it for me. Not much has changed since then. I enter every new relationship with a guarded heart. I just do.
  5. I don’t want to settle. I’m not willing to do so at this point in my life. And frankly, it’s hard for me to imagine a time in my future that I would “settle” for someone who didn’t make me feel the way I know I’m capable of feeling: completely and stupidly in love. I know exactly what being in love feels like, and I can’t imagine settling for something other than that incredible, warmth-filled, frustrating feeling just so I don’t end up alone. And I also don’t think there is anything wrong with feeling that.

If there’s one thing I hope any strangers reading this take away, it’s that you don’t need another human to validate your existence. You are responsible for your own happiness, and I think it’s perfectly fine to be uncompromising in finding someone that adds to your bucket in a way you didn’t know was possible. And if you’ve been lucky enough to find that human that makes you unselfish, grab hold of that shit: it’s special, and you should never apologize for being in a happy, healthy relationship.

Who even sends sensical messages anymore

One word messages: they get me every time. And by “get me” I mean ANNOYED.

I thought I ought to fight back, or something like that.

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whsts up?

I feel like I don’t ask for much, dudes. I just think, I don’t know, basic typo-free messages? You accidentally use the wrong your/you’re… okay. You type “whsts” when you meant “whats”? Yeah. No excuse. I actually had to go back and “fix” my whats to read whsts. Ugh.

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Uh oh. Champ is about it.

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To recap: I’ve sent 4 words to this human. 4.

So what I’m trying to say is we’re in love.

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I want to mic drop. I do. I just… this guy. He’s done so much work to earn this spot in our history books. Thank you, guy Thank you from all of our hearts.

I think I’m a troll

To review: last week, I added this to my profile:

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I just wanted to set realistic expectations for any guy foolish enough to try to date me. Because this girl? The worst.

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It’s true. I would shit on all of this guy’s dreams. 

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Some people might call this trolling, but I call this just being me. That video?

Hall & Oates - Maneater

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He messaged me again after this. Poor kid: his only crime was trying to talk to me. 

A sarcastic retelling of failed OKCupid interactions.

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